It’s universal you know… thinking whatever offensive, hurtful remark gets thrown at us is because of us. It isn’t always…
Liz Strauss says to distance ourselves from the event. Her points are excellent — think, think, realize, decide, and think some more. Read the point specifics on her blog…
I’d add this: Realize the offensive comment is probably not about us. It’s more about the person talking.
Yes, it hurts. Yes, we want to fight back and give him or her what-for. Yes, it makes us step back and question ourselves… is (s)he right about us? Do I argue? Defend myself? Try to explain?
Will you walk away or stand there and deal with it?
My mom said: Consider the source, and know who you are.
Who said so?
Where is he coming from?
What’s his perspective?
What is his point after all?
Does he have the authority to own his point and perspective?
And will I allow him the authority to strip me of my stand-up confidence?
My mom used to run these questions through her mind when we were shopping and the sales clerk would snip at us. She’s had a long day, my mom would say. Or, You don’t know what her day’s been like. She’s probably not snipping at us because of us… What we don’t need to do is react in kind.
Unfortunately it takes our hearts a while to know what our minds know.
People will bark at us from time to time. Often when we think we’re doing things right. And it does hurt.
I cry. And have heated conversations with them in my mind as I drive to town, or while taking a shower. You know — those conversations no one hears but me.
I get it all out before I can let it go. I don’t know if that’s healthy or not, but I work out many issues this way — trying to see what they see and then talking them out of it, winning my own argument. And sometimes I even learn a bit more about myself in the process.
Sometimes I even learn that no offense was intended — it wasn’t about me at all.
How do you handle hurtful remarks? Do you work through them? Confront them? Ignore them?
Let’s talk… over coffee. And thanks so much for coming by.
Barb
{ 1 trackback }
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
I handle them mostly by reminding myself that I know who I am even if other people don’t seem to know and that is what is important to me….to be able to look in the mirror and see the real me.
Hi Ann. You do, and do it very well. I’ve gotten to know you a bit over the last couple years at PainterTalk, and I see this in you. Thanks for sharing it here.
Barb
Hi Barb, you know I am like your mom and say guess they had a bad day or something like that. sometimes I even ask them are you happy with your job or are you sick today? that is how I deal with this sweet lady. Annette
Hi Annette. My mom was better at it than I am, but eventually I remember her wisdom.
I can’t picture you being anything but bubbly and nice to everyone! 
Your web site is beautiful… I’d love to post the URL here so folks can find you. Would that be all right?
Barb, in the writing industry, they call these types of complainers “Trolls”. The first rule is “Don’t feed the troll”.
The more I write, the more trolls I encounter. Some of them have been so hurtful that they made me laugh – couldn’t believe someone would go to such lengths to be insulting.
One person said to stop writing rediculous articles and that I wasn’t a good artist either. Why would someone say something like that – even if it were true? Fortunately, most people on the Internet are helpful and encouraging.
I usually send them one, short message (with no anger) and then refuse to respond further. Steve Doherty told me that if I continue the conversation, it’ll never end.
Hi Lori.
Can’t write? The guy must be kidding! Even this, your comment here, is ordered; begins with a a bit of humor, concludes at the end, and gives afor instance in the middle. I love reading your posts. Which magazine is it that carries your monthly column? He also has not seen your watercolor portrait that’s to be featured in upcoming Watercolor magazine. Hmmm…. Your friend Steve is quite right.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Nice Article Barb ~ So true where you said:
“It takes our hearts awhile to know what our minds know.” I do remind myself to consider the source, and also think they’ve had a bad day, or whatever, but it does take awhile for me!
Thanks, Pam. I know what you mean. The hurt happens no matter what. But a dignified response makes it easier to handle I think. Thanks for coming.
It might sound silly but one of the worst things about having a frontal lobe brain injury is that you lose a lot of emotional control. Tears and nasty snips explode before I am even aware of it. I am as usually as surprised, shocked and angry about the incident as the other person.
I snipe back or break into helpless tears when I am the target of hurtful remarks and I am so embarrassed when I am the instigator. Many reasons abound for hurtful remarks and our reactions to them.
Sometimes they are given with best intentions, sometimes out of spite with the intent to hurt, sometimes out of selfishness and sometimes we lose control. It takes grace, patience and a loving heart to not only turn the other cheek but to put yourself in that person’s shoes.
Just proves my mom right all the more. We never know where the other person is coming from — either the one throwing a barb (why do we call it a barb? ouch!) or the one catching it. We just can’t know.
I didn’t know about your injury, Bean. I’ll try not to cause you tears —
— but even those of us who haven’t suffered such can be snappish with our tongues before our brains think. I know I have.
Thanks for summing up the many reasons hurtful comments are made — and I do believe they run the full gamut from well-intentioned to down-right cruel.
And I pray for the kind of grace you eloquently spelled out…..
I try to remember that it’s usually not about me but about them and their own issues.
Hi Vered. Yes! I agree… it’s just getting our hurt feelings to recognize what our heads know. Thanks.
Hi Barb,
Yes, why do they call them a “barb”?
Depending on who it is, I usually give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they’re having a bad day and don’t take it personally. If it’s someone I know, I will try to nip it in the bud straight on. This technique stops me from stewing about something that may not have anything to do with me, but instead, I was the closest person available to “take it out on”.
Hi Barbara… wise advice. My youngest daughter has a favorite saying: don’t take it personally. She says it to me, to her own daughters, and most importantly, to herself! Thanks.
P.S. I took Latin all through high school — don’t ask me why other than my dad thought it would be good for me and he did it — and the other students thought my name was fun to take literally: savage, barbarian, foreigner. Hahaha… so, we’ve been called many things over time. At least in English we’re only prickly, intermittently. (My definition of a barb on wire.)
Hi Barb,
It’s funny you mentioned a barb on wire as when I was a little girl I ran right into a barbed wire fence – and still have a faint scar across the bridge of my nose to prove it. Needless to say, I took some teasing for that one.
Hahahaha… oh I know I shouldn’t laugh at your misadventure of running into barbed wire. But it brought to mind a picture of why you go by Barbara, not Barb.
My faint scar runs through my right eyebrow…
Hi Barb, This brought back memories of an incident where I worked and how I finally handled it. A friend of mine felt the need to inform me of any unkind comments fellow workers made about me. She felt I needed to be aware of what was being said. (she felt she was helping me) I remember stewing about it and having conversations with them in my mind at night while I was “trying” to go to sleep. This wore me out and sapped my energy. Negativity can sure do that. Finally I told her I would no longer listen to any negative comments from others…their opinions were their problems, not mine. I knew who I was, and I was very grateful God made me the way He did…not perfect, but pleasant and positive. I remember the quote…”2 things are hard on your heart…running up stairs and running down people.” Thanks for sharing and listening. Love you.
Hi Sandy! Words well-intentioned, but are they really? Harsh words so that maybe we can change? I don’t know the reasons for criticism, but I know I think I’m doing the best I can. I don’t intentionally work to offend, so I just pray no one takes offense.
There are times when we do need to be made aware of having hurt someone or done something wrong, but a steady diet of “Let me help you get over all that’s wrong with you” can get rather distasteful after a while.
Thanks so much for sharing how you handled your coworker. Certainly a lesson worth learning — and not an easy one, either.
Love you too, my life-long friend…