Susan told me she and Beth were friends.
“Not the everyday, check-in-with-each-other kind of friends,” she said. “But the every-couple-of months kind. Where you see each other and it’s as if no time at all has passed. You just pick up your last conversation and are comfortable together for an hour or an evening or a day.”
I nodded, thinking a friend like that is a blessing.
Friendships pick up where they left off...
But then she wondered out loud to me:
“I’ve been thinking lately,” she said, “that’s the only kind of friends I have. There aren’t any every day buds. I’m wondering if…”
“…if something’s wrong with you?” I finished for her after a silent pause.
“Yeah………”
After more silence the conversation turned to other things. But I kept thinking, who among my friends would I want to check in with every day? My girls maybe. Certainly my husband.
And then, who else among my friends would want to see my number on the caller ID every single day? Not even my girls, with their busy lives. Maybe my husband.
I too have sometimes wondered if I were different — if maybe there was something wrong with me socially because my friends don’t live next door so-to-speak. I’ve rarely had anyone to coffee-chat with over the back yard fence. Thinking sometimes that would be nice.
I know those who do — just not me.
I have the every-couple-of-months friends Susan described up top. I count them as precious treasures. We can meet for coffee or lunch, dinner or shopping, or grab our watercolors and brushes and go paint somewhere. Or phone-chat now and then.
I do have a very small handful of those whom I could call anytime day or night if I needed to. Or they, me.
But a daily check-in-and-check-off list of friends? Nope, I don’t have that.
What about you? Do you have an everyday list of friendship contacts, other than a friend at work? An over-the-fence kind of buddy? Bless you if you do, but if you don’t, you’re not alone. 
Thanks so much for coming by. Help yourself to the coffee and let’s talk.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Only every day friend I have is my hubby…but I cherish his time with me. I do have a handful of friends who I get together with now and again, and to be honest I’m not sure I could handle more in my life. I love my time with them, but I think the art side of me needs a lot of alone time. Actually shouldn’t blame it on art since I do that with some friends. All my kids are raising their own families and to be quite honest I think if I called every day they would play possum and roll their eyes;O)
Suzie´s last blog ..Colchicine and Biaxin clarithromycin don’t mix-
Hi Suzie. Maybe it is the artist in us that needs the alone time. It’s when we’re open to possibilities, ask our questions, wonder about things, create. Thanks so much.
Barb
Barb,
You are so good at making me think! Like Susan I have had many moments when I was sure there was something wrong with me because I no longer had girlfriends like I had when I was young who I would call at least 10 times a day! During my more lucid moments I know that I am very lucky to have so many really amazing friends. I have 2 girl friends who have been my BFFs since High School – how awesome is that? I have 2 more friends who are the get together every couple of months and pick up where we left off kind of friends. I also know I could call them any hour of the day or night and they would be there for me. I have a few other friends who are just casual friends but I’m thankful for them. I also have a baby sister who is absolutely one of my best friends. We don’t talk on the phone daily because she lives in Michigan and I live in Southern California but we email almost daily and we do chat on line daily!
And then there is my friendship with my daughter. We really do talk to each other constantly both by phone and online! We shop together, we hang out together. I know I am very lucky and our relationship has not always been this peaceful but she has turned into a wonderful cook, Mom, wife, daughter and friend!
I am pretty lucky! Thanks again for the coffee. Kc
Grandma Kc´s last blog ..Let the Water Wars begin
Hi Kc. Indeed you are lucky — you’re very rich! I think we outgrew the need to check in 10 times a day. Our lives filled. And so did our friends’ lives. But there’s something magical about the process… though I can’t define it.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Barb
Hi Barb.
I have friends that I see every few weeks or so and we’re all on different schedules. I’ve known some people for years, one in fact who I just reconnected with after more than 5 years. We picked up just where we left off. I don’t connect with any one person every day. When my grandmother was still alive we spoke a number of times a week. There is no one in my life right now that I would feel comfortable calling every day and if any of them called me every day I’d think they were a bit needy.
I guess it depends on the depth of the friendship; my grandmother’s and my connection went real deep. I value those kinds of friendships, but the lighter more carefree every once in a while meetings are fun and usually occur spontaneously.
Hi Davina. Our friendships are such treasures, aren’t they? I loved hearing about your grandmother’s and your relationship.
You raise an important point though, talking about needy friends. There are some. They don’t last too long. But even so, some of them do last because we like everything else about them. So much so that we don’t answer the phone on needy days. (Is that cruel? I hope not.)
I agree with the light friendships too — I love to call a galfriend and ask her to meet me over coffee somewhere. We always find an excuse to exchange something, as if that were necessary. It’s just fun.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Barb
I pretty much let go of anything that’s high maintenance. I’m a fan of the timeless and the deep.
J.D. Meier´s last blog ..The Design of Sources of Insight
Hi J.D.
I think your comment is worth keeping as a journal page-starter! Poignant. Timeless and deep.
Thank you so much.
Barb
I have friends who I connect with every day or every other day, sometimes a couple of times a day. But that kind of friendship or relationship is not for everyone as it demands time effort and offers sameness. I enjoy these relationships as I can’t function without having a couple of friends who I can talk to every day.
But I also have friends who I connect with once in a month or so, including relatives. I enjoy their company too.
Thanks for your comment, Sanjay. I would need that too if I didn’t have a husband/best friend/companion to live with. He is my daily sounding board, as I am his. Without him, I’d search for some such friend’s ear…
Barb
Hi Barb .. I definitely don’t – just have good friends I ‘touch sides’ when we get together .. just love my friends around the world .. where nothing changes .. even the years pass – but we’re the same – they’re the important ones. I expect as I settle down a little more as I get older! perhaps community will click in … no children and no hubby has made me very independent .. and I’m fine with it.
I’d be driven nutty if someone checked up all the time .. even my family don’t do that, nor ever did!
Enjoy the week – Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Lazy- Hazy- Mazey Days of Summer – two approaches to revitalising town life in the 21st century
Hi Hilary.
I love your independence, and your obvious love for your blog readers from everywhere on the globe, “…where nothing changes, even the years pass…” How beautifully stated. Thank you so much.
Barb
Barb -
What a wonderful and empathetic post. This is the kind of thing I spend ages pondering and you’ve put it into words. I have quite a few close friends who I can drop back into the groove with at the drop of a hat. Some I see every month, some every year or less. All are wonderful parts of my life. The only person I share with and want to speak with every day is my wife – she is my rock. I actually couldn’t imagine having anyone else in that role. In fact it might be a bit weird. Glad to hear I’m not alone – appreciate the validation.
Phil
Phil – Less Ordinary Living´s last blog ..25 Surefire Ways to Get More from Work
Thanks for your wonderful comment, Phil!
You are blessed to have a wife with whom you share your thoughts, on whom you rely and she on you. As my husband says, the world may turn against us, but as long as we don’t, we can stand. A real blessing, that kind of friendship.
You are definitely not alone.
Barb
I used to have a friend like that, but then she moved far away, and we lost touch. Our correspondence went from letters with five pages of tiny handwriting to occasional emails. She changed, and I felt I was being too clingy, too demanding or needy to ask for more – or perhaps we just grew up and became the persons we were more clearly. In real need, maybe she will come through. But will she call me if she needs? More likely, she doesn’t need to call me anymore. Its been a sad journey, but I remember the days when we did call each other five times a day, and were young and idealistic and hopeful – with nostalgia. I wish I did have a call every day friend…
Hi Swati.
It’s rare today I think. I speak with my youngest daughter sometimes that often, but it’s for a quick question. A quick opinion. the longer conversations are fewer, but still several times a week. I’d miss them terribly if they stopped.
If you truly want a call-every-day friend, then I truly hope one walks into your life.
Thanks for visiting.
Barb
It’s not how often friends get together…the kind of friend that really makes a difference is one where we share common ideals, vision, goals… and have a real interest in each other. The significance comes when that focus remains constant.
Well, folks, you see why I love this guy?
Thanks for visiting, Wes — your coffee mocha is being made.
Love you,
yer wife, Barb
Hi Barb, gosh I’ve got masses of friends, but none that I see every day. Some I see weekly, but most are life long friends who I don’t see or speak to or write/email often for months on end. We pick up where we left off and it’s as if we saw each other yesterday. As I get older thought I recognise a desire to ‘keep in touch’ a bit more often as some friends have ‘left’ before I’ve had chance to say cheerio. That’s a sadness.
Enjoy the journey.
Mandy
Mandy Allen´s last blog ..Who have you inspired
Oh Mandy — how true! A classmate passed this past year, and though I’d not seen nor spoken with her for years, I sat right down and cried my heart out. She’d lived a full and rich life, with kids and grandkids who loved her dearly, and I’d missed it. ( I wrote about it somewhere though, I think.) So I know what you’re saying.
It’s definitely a sadness.
Barb
I have very few friends in person. When my youngest child became troublesome many folks stopped calling me and inviting me – I was constantly busy but a check in would have been nice. One of those friends just called to say she was retiring and moving to clear across the country we went to a delightful dinner, but I was not invited to the group party. When I brought my mum to my house for caring her last 3 years 24/7 I was just too tired to do the connecting myself. I got used to being alone.
I am having a great time now connecting with the bloggers – many every week with comments…and I am trying to make connections with some new people now that my mum is gone. There are those days I wish I had someone to go to a movie with or just call and chat.
No one everyday. My mother (94) and her 100 year old friend had a chat every night on the phone…just to check in, laugh and see if the other had made it through another day
It was such a joy to observe. They taught 1st grade in the same building for 15 years!
Oh Patricia, people dynamics can play out so cruelly sometimes. I’ve learned to accept it and go on. I think you have too, as I read your blog and realize how full your ‘work’ is.
A movie date would be nice. I have a full-time husband and I maybe get him to take me once a year. ha! I do movies alone. On DVD. I’ll go with you!
Wow you were blessed to have your mum so long. And she, her best friend. There’s a story there, for sure…
Thanks for visiting, Patricia. I have some brand new bottles of Iced Mountain water. The best label I’ve found, so I keep it stocked. Help yourself.
Hi Barbara
No, not a single friend that I speak to every day.
I see my immediate family every day and people at work five days a week but I don’t speak to friends every day.
I have a few close friends that I see socially and the odd friend that I call on the phone and that’s about it.
Never thought about friends but I am aware that my wife has lots of friends and my daughter has even more…. that leaves me as the odd one out with not many friends.
Perhaps it’s a man thing, too busy doing things to cultivate relationships.
Keith Davis´s last blog ..A splash of colour
Hi Keith. I think my husband would agree with you — I’ll have to run your comment by him and see. He talks to people every day, in a work-related way. And he has those buddies — and our daughter — to call for a pickup racquetball game. But other than that, none.
Maybe girls do this more than guys. Thanks for commenting.
Barb
Hi Barb,
I don’t have any friends I check in with daily, but do have one sibling with whom I do.
One thing I like about long time friendships is how we can pick up from were we left off even if months have passed by.
Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..Who’s Who In Blogosphere
Hi Barbara.
Oh I so agree. Time goes by and there’s no strangeness at all. No demands, no guilt, just relationship. Those are real treasures, aren’t they?
Thanks so much.
Barb
Hi Barbara,
So I think it depends on personality as well as gender…
I think it is an age thing, in your teens you need that reassuring contact of your peers then as you get older other aspects of life take priority, work, family, etc…. Your partner and work colleagues become your everyday friends… Life gets so crazy you appreciate those alone moments, so you no longer want to fill them with visits or calls… I am easily the more anti social in our relationship, my Hubby has a heap of friends and keeps in contact all the time he is very gregarious, I on the other hand have few friends that I catch up with infrequently and am quite happy that way…
Hi, Lorna.
You said all that so well. We are seasonal, aren’t we? I also re-energize in the quiet, alone times — an introvert by definition — yet have moved into my next season of fully appreciating both kinds of relationships. We watch our kids and grandkids morph through their various friend-phases, and we understand. We smile and hug them and assure them they’re ok. I believe you’re quite right that personality is a major factor. And since all basic personality styles are valid, it just makes for interesting conversation… Thank you so much for your insightful comment.
Barb